Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we offer up a problem for you to weigh in on, then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter delivered by our columnist, Claudia Dey.
A reader writes: My girlfriend moved to Fort McMurray, Alta., from Calgary in December, 2006. We have a good relationship, but she is unchallenged by her work and doesn’t like living here. She is looking for opportunities in Calgary. I am torn by the decision either to be with her or try to maintain a long-distance relationship, which I believe is doomed to fail. Although my company has a branch in Calgary, I would take a significant drop in pay and title if I transferred there. Also, I really like our company’s culture and will eventually be leaving Fort McMurray anyway as we continue to expand. I feel that I have to choose between the woman I’ve loved the most and the company I’ve loved the most. I am unwilling to bring this up with my regional manager because I don’t want him to feel I’m giving him an ultimatum. What should I do?
Playing what field?
Does she really want you to follow her to Calgary? Is this a long-term relationship for both of you? Are you ready to settle down and have children? When she’s looking for opportunities in Calgary, does that include opportunities to play the field more?
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If you both want to stay together long term, the answer is simple: Plan the move together. Tell your regional manager you and your partner want to move to Calgary. Fort McMurray is notorious for its high turnover, so he can’t be surprised.
If you and she aren’t ready to commit, part on good terms. Maybe you’ll hook up a few years from now when you’re both ready to settle down.
- Wilfred Day, Port Hope, Ont.
Long-distance lovin’
Why do you have to end the relationship if the love of your life moves away? See how the long-distance relationship works out. If it becomes too much of a struggle, then it wasn’t meant to be. I was in the same situation where my boyfriend of the time was not happy with me moving from Oakville to London, Ont., and we didn’t think it would work. Now we’re married. If she is worth it, then you will both make it work and make the sacrifices needed to be together. It’s hard enough to meet people who are compatible; why give her up just because of geography?
- Shaba Qureshi, Oakville, Ont.
Can you sleep with a job?
If you prefer sharing your life with your work cronies to the woman you love, then choose the job. If you prefer family gatherings to office parties, then choose the gal. And, as you expect to be transferred out of Fort McMurray at some point, you run the risk of finding yourself cast from your office Eden. Offices and companies change - just ask my friends who loved working at Nortel. What is truly more important to your long-term happiness: the uncertainties of deepening an intimate relationship with someone you may actually love, the prospect of joyful economic servitude or perhaps the blessed freedom of bachelorhood?
- John Savage, Gatineau, Que.
The Final Word
Dear Company Man,
This is one of those invented dilemmas. If your love for your girlfriend has not convinced you to pack your duffel bag, your demotion too, and move with her to Calgary, then I will venture that the love is pale.
Like sodden tea leaves, your loyalties are spelled out in your letter. You are content with where you are professionally and geographically. Your hesitation to move is
understandable.
We work hard to make ladders out of our careers; the prospect of returning to the first rung is beleaguering. As such, stay put. There is no need to present your situation to your regional manager. Your instincts are correct; no one responds well to an ultimatum.
Support your girlfriend’s desire to look for opportunities in Calgary. In your efforts and conversations, be lucid and loving - the solid scaffolding to her decision-making process. Should the opportunity arise that she move, do not affix your black armband and declare it doomsday. Unlike Play the Field Wilfred, I do not believe that a departure predicates a breakup. Instead, as Now We’re Married Shaba implies, distance can shine a searchlight on what you have - a love that is lost or a love that is found.
Despite your gloomy predictions, as a rule, long-distance relationships are not bound for failure. Yes, the miles that stretch out between you can make for vulnerability - but so can countless other things - including the pressure of your current situation. It is better to live with distance than with the strain of a girlfriend’s daily and insipid disappointment.
Heed the Socratic method of Can You Sleep With a Job John. By presenting you with a list of possible futures in the form of questions, he makes the salient point that one must make decisions from the gut rather than as a response to overriding circumstances. It is time to look within, Company Man. Will it be commitment in Calgary? The fulfilment yet unpredictability of Fort McMurray? Or that old, familiar hobo, bachelorhood? Weigh each in your mind. Play them out to their ends. You may just surprise yourself by what you find.
Next week’s question
Click here to contribute your widsom - or submit your own dilemma. (We will not publish your name if you submit a personal dilemma for the print column.)
Claudia Dey’s plays, Beaver, The Gwendolyn Poems and Trout Stanley, have been staged across Canada. Her first novel, Stunt, was published by Coach House Books this month. Her website is ClaudiaDey.com
Tags: ada, dilemma, failure, family, instincts, job, profession, rth, sacrifices, unpredictability