Group Therapy is a relationship advice column that asks readers to contribute their wisdom. Each week, we offer up a problem for you to weigh in on, then publish the most lively responses, with a final word on the matter delivered by our columnist, Claudia Dey.
A reader writes: Almost a year ago, I met a great guy online. I wasn’t looking for anything serious and neither was he, but we hit it off. Shortly after we met, I found out his wife of 10 years had just left him. (She had cheated on him with a married man, whom she is still pursuing.)
I wanted to move forward slowly, but he wasn’t ready. He was still having problems dealing with what happened with the ex, whom he still sees because they have a young son.
A few months ago, I called it off because I wanted more. He insisted he wasn’t ready to have his son meet someone new so soon, but I think he’s not ready for a relationship. He says he was devastated that I ended it. I am certain he loves me and I love him. But now things are just confusing.
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Do I wait or let him go for good?MOVE ON
Let him go. You are clear about wanting more than he is ready to give, and you’ve also identified some factors (e.g. his child) that are barriers for him (or excuses, maybe?).
It’s reasonable for him to need time to resolve his issues after the breakup of a marriage. But it’s not reasonable for you to have to wait when he is not making visible progress, and you are obviously ready to move on.
You can cherish the love you’ve had for each other; that’s always a gift. But it’s not a whole relationship.
- Elise Moser, Montreal
HAVE SOME UNDERSTANDING
Put yourself in his shoes and re-examine the situation: After 10 years, the guy just took a kick in the head finding out his wife was having an affair.
You should understand this man may have questions when it comes to building trust. Also, the last thing he probably wants to do at this time is introduce more immediate change into his son’s life.
When he said he was devastated when you called it off, you reinforced the trust issue he is struggling with, and he probably doesn’t care to argue because he still has concerns about protecting his son from further change and chaos. That child is one of the few people he trusts.
If you truly love the man, patience and understanding are the only way you will win the battle and his love.
- Joe Carson, Regina
KNOW THYSELF
You must decide whether you are a patient sort. From the evidence, it would appear you are not. You say you decided to move forward slowly, but now you seem to be rushing him.
If you feel that the time is passing you by, look elsewhere; there are lots of fish in the sea. If you are prepared to wait to see if he is indeed recovering, go back to him after making it clear what your plans are. I would not go by his devastation, one way or the other. That man’s ego is bound to be punctured after being tossed aside by yet another woman.
- Sudhir Jain, Calgary
THE FINAL WORD
Dear Confused,
Do neither of the above: Do not wait and do not let him go for good.
Why? Because love hangs in the balance.
True, your timing is terrible. Your lover is coming out of a decade-long marriage and reckoning with a recent and still raw betrayal. He is also the father to a young son whom he must shepherd through a difficult transition. But do not despair. No couple crops up out of perfect circumstances.
Every beginning is marked by deft negotiation. From cartoons to opera, the stories we inherit are not unlike our lives: The prince must battle the enemy - the princess too - before they can collapse into each other’s exhausted and victorious arms. We are constantly reminded that love is something you must bare your fists for. Your case, Confused, is no different.
This is broad advice, but I believe it to be unerring: You cannot go wrong if you make a decision from a place of love. First, reignite the relationship. You are obviously both arguing against its end.
In this leg of the dialogue, take his word for the truth. There is no subtext here, no need for strained interpretation. For instance, when he tells you that he is not ready to introduce you to his young son, do not see this as a veiled strike against you. Rather, as a good father, he is being sensitive to his child, who needs time to adjust to a reconfigured reality before being met by another new element: you.
Rushing Him Sudhir challenges you to decide whether you are a patient sort. If you are not, water your patience thoroughly. Prune it. Play some music to it. Preferably Gregorian chants.
Contrary to It’s Not Reasonable Moser, I fear that if you stick with your current spitfire decision, you risk losing too much.
Understanding Joe asks you to be empathetic to your
lover’s predicament. I second this. He is in triage; he needs time. Rather than condemn its slow pace, join his recovery.
This does not make you a nursemaid. You, very simply, have love to give. And, he is deserving of it. Now, that is not so confusing.
Share your advice, or ask for someone else’s
Click here to read next week’s question and contribute your widsom - or to submit your own dilemma. (We will not publish your name if you submit a personal dilemma for the print column.)
Claudia Dey’s plays, Beaver, The Gwendolyn Poems and Trout Stanley, have been staged across Canada. Her first novel, Stunt, will be published by Coach House Books next month. Visit her website at ClaudiaDey.com
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